GOLDY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT
Are We Going Nuts While the World Burns?
BY ALAN GOLDFARB
July 17, 2023
One of my winery clients recently sent this email, responding to a New York Times Magazine article you too likely saw, about a most unusual and iconoclastic winemaker. This is what he said:
“I was reading with great appreciation until I got to the tale about hand destemming, via manicure scissors. That's when I knew this article was intended as satire. Or, at best, Ms. Harrison is another frickin' debutante. I don't care how much she is able to sell her wine for, there is no way that is economically viable. Of course, I suppose it is possible that her winery is simply a tax shelter for her wealthy parents, so maybe profitability isn't part of the equation, in which case now I'm really envious.”
IF I GOT THE CONSTELLATION-CURRY PR ACCOUNT
A Hoop Dream Campaign? Not So Fast
BY ALAN GOLDFARB
June 27, 2023
This is my official pitch to become the PR director for Constellation Brands: If I’m lucky enough – and grovel enough – I’m proposing to call the campaign, “The Six Degrees of Separation World Tour” and How I Handle the Curry/The Prisoner Alliance (Or Not).
To wit: I will sit the hologram of Bob Mondavi down in a room specially constructed on the border that straddles To Kalon and Tokolan, and have the Mondavigram smack dab next to the real-life live Wardell Stephen Curry. The latter of whom will be sitting next to his wife Ayesha and sister Sydel – the founders of the Domaine Curry brand. Andy Beckstoffer will be peeping in through an especially made knothole, that for legal purposes (ooh you can count on loads of legal purposes for this event), is situated decidedly on the Tokolan side. (I’ll leave it up to you dear reader to figure out how to spell the T-word; and which entity spells which, what way.)
CHATGPT PR: NOT JUST IDLE CHAT TER
How I Prove Bots Don’t Get Us
BY ALAN GOLDFARB
May 8, 2023
When I was born, I think a came out a doubter. That’s why I believe being a world-class skeptic -- as I trust in my bones -- the faith in that emotion has made me a good journalist.
But, I’ve had to work through my incredulity to be a good PR flack. Because, as in the latter, it’s positive to be positive.
The opening paragraph admittedly, is purposely fraught with oxymoronic words. But hopefully, it will display the manner in which I write – which is to try to be humorous in my approach to writing about serious subjects. It’s an illusion of pulling a punch.
MEDIA OUTLETS: PAY THE WRITERS!
BY ALAN GOLDFARB
April 19, 2023
Admittedly, I was parked where I shouldn’t have. When I came back to my car, someone – astonishingly and somewhat humorously -- had placed four-foot-high baskets of huge rocks in front of and in back of my car. Rocka my soul!
Luckily, I wasn’t stoned at the time, because it proved to be a feeble attempt to box me in. Those unknown stoners didn’t know who they were dealin’ with. I’m from Brooklyn motherjumper! We can deftly get in and out of any spot this side of any johnny pump from Kings Highway to Coney.
‘THE SKY IS FALLING – AGAIN’
So, Just Put Ingredients on the Label & Watch Sales Soar
By Alan Goldfarb
Feb. 20, 2023
The last time the sky fell on top of the industry, it did so by sprinkling sweet sweet sugar all over the vineyards from Napa Valley and Sonoma to the Ste Rita Hills to the west side of Paso Robles. While vintners all over California in the late 1990s were readying to slit their wrists because they feared they’d lose a whole generation, marketing minds and forward-thinking viticulturists found the solution.
Give ‘em high alc with lots o’ vanilla charred malted milk wines, which we’ll call dry but their taste buds will tell them sweet. Because after all, Gen X as they were called (or was it Gen Y or Gen W?), were being weaned from sweet cola and sweet tea, so why not give them sweet wine (which we’ll call dry).