GOLDY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT
Are We Going Nuts While the World Burns?
BY ALAN GOLDFARB
July 17, 2023
One of my winery clients recently sent this email, responding to a New York Times Magazine article you too likely saw, about a most unusual and iconoclastic winemaker. This is what he said:
“I was reading with great appreciation until I got to the tale about hand destemming, via manicure scissors. That's when I knew this article was intended as satire. Or, at best, Ms. Harrison is another frickin' debutante. I don't care how much she is able to sell her wine for, there is no way that is economically viable. Of course, I suppose it is possible that her winery is simply a tax shelter for her wealthy parents, so maybe profitability isn't part of the equation, in which case now I'm really envious.”
The piece in question ( https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/04/magazine/maggie-harrison-wine-antica-terra.html?smid=nytcore-android-share ) was about an Oregon vintner, who utilizes such methods as the above. Which among other of her philosophies seems, according to the author, “unbearably precious”. There’s much about Maggie Harrison to which I can relate, especially the part when she allegedly said to the writer, “Unfortunately it is well known that I don’t like all that many humans.” But at upwards of $250 a bottle, aestheticism, to which she apparently adheres, is specious.
Which is why that piece and others that recently crossed my desk, leads me to believe and confirm: We are fudged.
But what do I know?
To wit:
Somebody had the brilliant idea of attracting more millennials by putting wine country visitors in balloons to “enhance their experience”. Never mind that if you’re up early enough as you drive up valley and look to the sky, it seems as though an alien air force is invading, so filthy with hot air balloons the Napa skies are already. So, a company, apparently not realizing this, goes out and buys up an already existing balloon company. Is its business plan to cajole millennials by plying them with even more sparkling wine – at 7 a.m., when these hot air inflatables ascend?
The last laugh might go to the person who sold the balloons to those buffoons – likely for a pretty nickel. As colleague Jess Lander quotes the former hot air guy in the Chron ( https://www.sfchronicle.com/food/wine/article/napa-hot-air-balloons-18189183.php ) “People want to go out and have experiences, which seems to be a Millennial-driven trend,” said Gabriel Gundling, the former owner of Napa Valley Balloons. “It’s over the top and adds to that once-in-a-lifetime mentality of living life and going on an adventure. Nothing epitomizes that better than a hot air balloon ride over Wine Country.”
But what do I know?
Or how about the lubbers who want to experience their wine on the low seas? I give you this Robb Report report ( https://robbreport.com/food-drink/wine/gallery/best-wines-drink-on-yachts-1234857361/ ) in which this bit of yachting advice is offered: “Bubbles add to the festive atmosphere of being on a boat, but that doesn’t mean you have to stick to the same Champagne brands you’ll find in every port.”
Of course, you don’t. Heaven forfend.
But what do I know?
And then there’s this from Food & Wine, that epitomizes the “Are we going nuts? subhead of this missive; and perfectly illustrates the preciousness of how some of us are choosing to live this life:
It ‘s about a restaurant, in which 50 – 50! – courses are served; and they all aren’t food. This meal ( https://www.foodandwine.com/50-course-tasting-menu-the-alchemist-7555986 ) at a restaurant in Copenhagen is only a 2-star. So, “the first thing you should know about the Alchemist isn’t the chef’s approach to cooking. First, you need to know that to dine at the Alchemist is to undergo a staggering 50-course onslaught. The second thing you should be aware of is that it lasts approximately six hours. And the third? That somehow, some way, you won’t be bored, and you won’t be too full, even if you show up without an appetite.”
I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to eat 50 courses of food (in this case, it’s actually only 48), I need to have an appetite. Otherwise, what the hell? But before you begin eating, the “first course” is a modern dance. OK. I Iike modern dance. But then:
“ … as you are led around a mirrored room by a dancer swan lake-style, thrusting her arms around your head and encouraging you to look deep within your own eyes. Eventually, she gestures for you to leap off a stair, and you can’t really say no, though my dress shoes don’t have that kind of support. Eventually, it all crescendos with you staring face to face with yourself, lights strobing, and a door behind you opening to reveal a lounge. Here is where you get the champagne and caviar. Also, butterflies.”
That’s right, after all the thrusting and jumping, it’s time to eat. And what do you get? Butterflies! Really; “a freeze-dried butterfly tweezered atop a metal log”. That, and as you’ll astutely notice, “a” butterfly. Of course, you’ll eat other things – many, many other things – and for all that, it’ll set you back 718.48 shekles, precisely. And that don’t include tip (you’ll be in Europe, so maybe no tip) or wine or tax. In other words, the French Laundry, minus about 40 courses; oh, and the dancing part.
But what the hey. That’s livin’ in the real world nearing the end of the first quarter of the newish century. Have an experience. And don’t be too nuts.
But what do I know?