DIRECTOR OF EXPERIENCE!?
Have I Got an Experience for You
By Alan Goldfarb
Nov. 11, 2022
Recently, I’ve been seeing a spate of winery job listings, such as this one: “DIRECTOR OF EXPERIENCE”. I’ve got experience. I think I qualify for this job.
I got my first experience when I took the subway – by myself as a 14-year-old – to Ebbets Field where I paid 3 ½ bucks for a box seat and watched them raise the only World Series flag in the history of Brooklyn.
I received my next great experience when, as a freshman in college, I used to hang out at a roadhouse, which was located nearby in a small rural town, listening to blues. I paid eight bucks to be with a woman, who said afterward, “Boy, you’re like a rabbit”.
And I honed my listening skills after listening to Jimi, in which I got experienced.
So, there you have it, am I qualified to be the director of experience at your winery? After all, who better than me to give you the experience you desire – or think you need – when drinking some wine and maybe eating an olive and chunk of cheese – which costs 100 large?
If it’s an experience you desire, you’ve come to the right guy. I won’t bore you with such wine esoterica as where those barrels come from, and that the grapes come from this terroir, blah, blah. I won’t tell you what the weather was this growing season, and how our diurnal temperatures (our what?) make our vineyard the ideal place to grow the grapes that went into the glass that you’re enjoying. You’re enjoying it, right? And isn’t that olive and that cheese (which came from local farms on the other side of the mountain, from their own trees and herd of Jerseys), locally grown deliciousness?
I won’t bore your glassed-over eyes with the kind of yeast that we use – native, naturally. And I won’t tell you about how our workers hand-picked all the grapes that are in the glass that you’re still enjoying (aren’t you?). And I certainly won’t take up any more of your precious time going on about how long the grapes (yeah, those) stayed on the skins and macerated. Or that are soils are regenerative.
No siree Bob & Bobby, I’m not one of those. Not one of those wine geeks that extoll the virtues of French oak from the pristine Jupilles. And I won’t tell you about our bladder press (sure, I’ll wait ‘til you get back from the bathroom. And don’t worry, you won’t miss a thing. Believe me, this will still be a great experience for you).
What’s that, the fellow in the back with his back to the rest of our little intimate group: You’re concerned about someone tripping over all those hoses or slipping on the wet floor. Not to worry. We're covered.
So, I think I’ve covered everything about my qualifications. But I’m experiencing the feeling that you’re experiencing going in another direction. Nonetheless, this has been a great experience. I’m honored to even be considered for your new three-story tasting experience.