MONOPOLY IS ONLY A GAME

Napa Plays for Keeps

By Alan Goldfarb

Oct. 24, 2022

      • Visceral thoughts about the new Monopoly, Napa Valley edition:

        • Perfect: For good or not, Napa Valley holds the monopoly on American wine.
        • Does the Napa Valley Wine Train take the place of the Reading and Pennsylvania lines?
        • Paul Pelosi sure could’ve used the Get Out of Jail Free card
        • What’s the cheapest property on the new Monopoly board? Which streets supplant Baltic and Mediterranean? The American Canyon corridor at rush hour?
        • Free Parking? Maybe in Vallejo.
        • What’s on the Chance cards? Advance to the Oakville Grocery where a sandwich will cost you what a bottle of Napa Cab set you back 15 years ago? Or Pay a Poor Tax (used to be 15 bucks. Now? Advance to Lake County).
        • Community Chest card: Used to be $200. Now: The Napkins, thank goodness, have become much more generous.
        • Electric Company card: PG&E get the hell outta here!
        • Water Works: It does?
        • Water Works: Better call Laurie Wood or Marc Mondavi.
        • Monopoly money? Only they can afford to play with Monopoly money now.
        • Hotels? We got a million of ‘em. And not the ones on Baltic Ave.
        • I have to pay rent? Forget it . It’s cheaper in San Francisco.
        • Bankruptcy? See Spring Mountain Vineyards.
        • I might be able to afford the Top Hat piece, but I can’t pay for the tails so I’m forced to show up at the winery hat in hand, and pantless.
        • Who’s holding the bank? The bank.
        • Parker Brothers? I’d rather have the Smith Brothers. At least they know how the game is played – on their terms.
        • I heard that those who appear on the Monopoly board -- Napa style, have done it in style. They may have or hadn’t paid for the privilege. You think the good folks on Baltic paid to be colored burnt sienna and have the cheapest street on the board?
        • Do you think the good Napkins will be playing Napa Valley around the hearth this winter? Just wondering.
        • How come there aren’t two To Kalons or Tokalons on that new board? Just wondering.
        • And how come Jayson Woodbridge isn’t represented by a piece resembling a bottle of white wine with gold flecks in it? Remember that?
        • And will Jayson play to win; at any cost?
        • Will Francis Ford Coppola change the name of his new movie, Metropolis, to Monopolis?
        • Do the good burghers of Carneros, Oakville and Rutherford feel left out? And Napa itself, too?
        • Lucky you: You’ve landed on Community Chest, where you’ll go to Napa Cellars to be instructed how to craft the next vintage. Collect $200. Oh joy, that and a lot more will get you a bottle of wine. Maybe.
        • Is there a Chance card that tells you: “Climate change – plant new grapes”?
        • Poor Charles Shaw, who lives now on Baltic, where the 20K that he got from Freddie Franzia, has undoubtedly run out by now. So, he gets to pass go and collect about a million bucks. Which is only slightly right and which Freddie could’ve bequeathed him.
        • So, remember girls and boys, it’s only Monopoly money, which will cost you a pretty penny -- if you play in the Napa Valley.